The Beginning. The Birth.

First, before anything else can happen, I feel like I need to post my birth story. Everything that happened. All of my shame. In an open post for anyone to read. I can't filter who may see it. I'm not sure I want to. My birth is part of me. To know me, I have to let you see what happened. How I ended up where I am now.

Be warned, my birth is not full of light and sunshine and love and peace. My birth is one of violence and abuse and much shame. It's not easy for many to read. But the end result was my sweet, sunny girl that's full of love and light and happiness. Even if her entry into this world was hell for me, being her mommy has been heaven. I'm sorry sweet girl. I'm so sorry I couldn't bring you earthside in a gentle and peaceful way. I am so glad to have you.


The Story:

Jon came home from his first deployment 11 days before Chaiilynn's due date. As I was sitting in the bathtub about 8 hours before his plane was to land I started having contractions. They didn't hurt but they were strong. I timed them for a couple hours and they were 7 minutes apart. They got stronger as the day went on and were strong enough for the Key Spouse to pull Jon off the runway as soon as the plane touched down. We went straight to the hospital. They monitored me for a couple of hours and said most likely it was early labor and drink lots and rest. Those contractions went on for 11 more days. 7 minutes apart. Some really strong, some barely noticed. I didn't sleep much in those 11 days. On the day before Chaiilynn's due date I went to the maternal/fetal specialist (I had GD, or so they said) for the ultrasound and he could feel the contractions. He sent me to L&D to be monitored and they said that the baby was fine but they wanted an induction the next day. We went home that night and got ready. By this point I was exhausted. My hips and pelvis hurt so much when I would walk that Jon was having to help me everywhere. Luckily he had 6 weeks of post deployment and baby leave at that point.

At 5 AM we reported to L&D and got checked in. The nurse came in and demanded I sign blanket consent forms. I refused. I said I would consent or not on a case by case basis. She left, got power of attorney forms or something and came back. Threw them at me and slammed the door and left. Jon went to the nurses station told the Charge Nurse that nurse was not to come back in the room or we would need to speak to the police since she had thrown the papers at me. It was a little dramatic, but she didn't come back. They got the pit going around 7am and... nothing. The monitor wasn't working on my belly so I had to lay in one certain position and if I moved, a nurse came in screaming at me to hold still. Around noon, nothing had picked up, still 7 minutes apart with no intensity. My legs, hips and back were hurting so badly by this time I was crying. The nurse decided it was contractions in my legs.

About an hour after that a doctor I had never met walked in to the room. His name was Garcia. He had an amnio hook. I could see it in his hands. I said that I didn't want my water broken and I would not consent to it. He said it didn't matter, I signed consent forms, he was going to break my water anyway (I never signed the consent forms). He walked to the bed, pulled the blanket back and sat on my ankles and calves. He put his elbows between my knees and dug into my legs to force me to spread them. I remember the sound of my own voice but coming from somewhere else screaming "No please do do it. Please don't hurt me. I do not consent. Stop touching me." Over and over again. Jon stood in the corner watching me and when I asked him to help me, to make him stop, he told me to be quiet and let him do his job. That is the worst part of everything that happened. My husband stood over me while a man violated me and told me to just take it. The doctor also put internal monitors in that left a scar on Chaiilynn's head.

I asked for the epidural about an hour later because they wouldn't let me out of bed and I was in so much pain in my hips and legs. When they put the epidural in, they cranked up the pit. An hour later, Chaiilynn was having decels. I heard the head doctor in my practice scream in the hall "I'm going to cut her. I don't care that she didn't sign consent forms. I'm cutting that baby out today. She's killing her baby."

A kind old nurse came into the room then. She looked in my eyes and hugged me. She said, "Just let them do the section to make the hurting stop." Apparently, I consented to her because a few minutes later I was in the OR and on the slap. It was so cold. The same doctor that ruptured my membranes said "Make her stop crying, it's making her belly shake and I can't cut her right. Tell her to stop begin a baby. She's about to be a mother."

I didn't connect with Chaiilynn until she was about 6 months old. I only fed her. Jon did all the other baby care. I hardly held her unless I had to. I was angry. I was angry at my baby because of what "she"caused. Then I realized that my baby is awesome and it got better. The first six months were hell. Jon and I split up. I moved out. I told Jon that I never wanted him for anything except a baby so now I was leaving. It was rough.