I've always felt immense shame over what I allowed to happen. What Jon watched happen to me and didn't stop. Why did it happen to me? What was so different about my birth that it went so terribly wrong? The shame is bone deep and opening it all up for anyone to see is hard. And it makes me want to go running for cover. I shared my store with my friends on Facebook. People that I have known all my life and my new friends in our new home. Most were supportive and shocked at what happened. Some couldn't even respond or acknowledge they had seen the words. Some acted as if I should just move the fuck on and get over it. The ones that couldn't respond with even "I read it" hurt a lot. I haven't heard anything from those even now. When I see them again, will they turn away from me because they know? Am I now different because of what I went through? Are they ashamed to know me? To be related to me? What in the world!? And why do I care?
I also feel some serious pride in what Jon and I have created. We came from THAT mess and have created a warm, loving, supportive home for our children. We almost lost everything because of the birth trauma. But we didn't. We fought. Hard. Balls to the wall, everything we had. Many many sleepless nights crying at opposite ends of the couch. Talking about how to fix what was broken. Talking. Talking. Talking. Working it out. Sorting through it. Burning off the bad and tending to the living. Cultivating what we had. Often one of us holding a sleeping baby. Or each other. Yeah, I do feel like we are AMAZING and should get a damn trophy or some shit. We came far. The journey sucked and we almost threw it all away lots of times. But we didn't. And I have my Knight in Shinning Armor and he has his Queen. Fuck you doc! You didn't ruin us.
Fear. My dear friend who is pretty much slogging through all this with me keeps asking me "Holli, what are you afraid of?" Well, dear friend, I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of another section. I'm afraid of my baby dying inside me. I'm afraid of leaving my three darling girls without a mommy. I'm afraid of damaging my relationship with Jon. I'm afraid of going to bat with a doctor and them walking out on me and leaving me along. I'm afraid of another lying midwife telling me that I can't give birth and I should just be happy I can get the baby in there because she had trouble. (Fuck you, by the way.) Although, that chart I saw the other day does help lots and lots with being afraid of dying or losing my baby. The risk is slim. I'm okay with the slim risk.
It also pissed me straight off. Yes, I'm pissed off I consented to the induction without knowing what I was getting into. I walked into that hospital thinking "Oh, this is just a faster way from A to B. We're going in, going to take some pills and I'll be happily holding my gorgeous baby in 12 hours. NBD." Yeah, either they lied to me or I lied to myself. I didn't know that I was shooting off a rocket with my chance of having a section when I walked off that elevator. I had no freggin clue! I didn't know about ICAN. I didn't even know about CafeMom! I didn't know there were resources on the web that would give me information other than what was in What To Expect When You're Expecting. I didn't know Ina May or the Farm bloody existed! I trusted my doctor (Who was an intern herself.) to do what was right. She knew I was terrified of a section and still she let me lay in that bed and pumped me full of pit. WTF? Why not tell me to run! Why didn't I know myself? I let myself down. I made these mistakes myself. I didn't educate myself enough. I didn't read enough. I didn't dig deep enough. I failed us all because I wasn't educated enough. I fucked us over!
I also feel my power. I lived through this. I lived through the depression. I lived through the effects of this. And ya know what? I'm an amazing mommy! I love my kids out loud. Every day. With EVERYTHING I have. If I can survive and still love and feel compassion and generosity and caring, I can give birth to our baby. I know I can. Especially with all the strong mama lions who are surrounding me now. I got this!
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